Groundbreaking Study Finds ‘Apple a Day’ Therapy Prevents 100% of Hospital Readmissions

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KANSAS CITY, MO – A group of researchers who set out to find the most effective way to prevent hospital patients from having to come back to see the doctor published their groundbreaking data this week in Nature magazine. The secret, they claim, is apples.

Dr. Andrew Garcia, lead researcher for the project, explained the findings at a press conference last Saturday

“Depending on the individual, we examined about 20 lifestyle factors of patients in the hospital, then compared this data based on those who had to come back to the doctor, and those who did not,” said Dr. Garcia.

“We found that, repeatedly – across all ages, disease states, and genders – apple consumption consistently kept these individuals from ever having to see the doctor again.”

According to the study, patients who were admitted to the hospital and seen by a physician, then later consumed apples, were 100% less likely to have to come back to the doctor. However, not all patients who ate apples experienced such a benefit, as Dr. Garcia explained.

“A peculiar finding of the study was that only patients who consumed apples on a daily basis stayed healthy. Furthermore, these doctor-free individuals ate almost exactly 200 grams of apple fruit per day, about the size of one regular-sized apple, no more and no less. Essentially, they were eating one apple per day and thereby eliminating their need to see the doctor.”

At press time, multiple drug companies had submitted competing pharmaceutical patents in an attempt to copyright and legally own the apple-a-day therapy.

  • Phil Neutro

    Homo-sapien, resident of Earth, avid breather, hobbies include oxidative metabolism & general homeostasis

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