Due to increasing pressure on administrative staff to correct for their hospital’s Press Gainey deficit, administrator Eagerpants McGee of New York City Hospital unveiled Emergency Department recommendations carefully pieced together by hotel consultants from the Hilton Hotel Group. Emergency Department staff appeared awestruck and stunned by the groundbreaking recommendations, and administrators are currently in the process of forming mandatory education training sessions to acclimate physicians and nurses to their new roles.
Recommendation 1: Replace occasional sandwiches with “sandwich buffet.”
As patients are triaged, they will be offered complimentary buffet access passes. This makes the patient feel like a VIP, especially if the passes are printed on thick paper and feature shiny embellishments. These passes can be redeemed for a shot at the buffet table, stocked with tuna sandwiches, individually-packaged graham crackers, saltines without salt on them, and containers of unsweetened cranberry juice.
Recommendation 2: Eye contact at ten feet, smile at five feet, hugs and Dilaudid at 6 inches.
At administrative “training” sessions, doctors and nurses were coached to act like counter staff at a hotel chain. In order to appropriately engage patients, the sixth vital sign of pain will be addressed during a warm embrace with a simultaneous injection of IM Dilaudid. Additionally, physicians and nurses will wear an appropriate bellhop uniform.
Recommendation 3: Codes to be conducted in silence.
Recent Press Gainey feedback featured complaints about the loudness of the Emergency Department. This came as no surprise to Dr. Ellie Goodmedicine, who admits “sometimes we fail to fully respect patients’ need for silence on our parts so that their cell-phone conversations on speakerphone can be properly conducted. For example, the other day I was running a code, and I had to call out for a pause in CPR to check the patient’s heart rhythm – I noticed the lady in the next bed glaring at me and realized that I had grossly misstepped the boundaries of courtesy!” Codes will now be conducted primarily using eye-contact closed-loop communication and pantomime.
Recommendation 4: Plush carpeting and bronze-embellished furniture.
Per administrators, “We are going with a burgundy color for convenience of the housekeeping staff.” This will increase the department’s budget, as floor wax will no longer be needed.
Recommendation 5: Loyalty card program.
When asked why patients return to the ED biweekly if they are so egregiously miffed by current practices, administrators replied that patients feel loyalty to the ED in which they tend to spend a formidable amount of time and from which they receive their Motrin. This allegiance inspired the Hilton group to recommend a loyalty card program, which goes into effect next month. “After six visits to the ED, patients earn a 10% discount on their hospital fee and receive a visitor buffet pass with each additional ED stay.”
Overall, ED staff are acclimating to the new recommendations swimmingly. As Dr. Goodmedicine notes, “They say that if we raise Press Gainey scores, we can ALL be winners, and as it is currently, I feel like I’m losing every time I work. Boy, it would be great to be a winner!” It is yet uncertain what the prize will be, but some staff members hinted that they have enthusiasm for a cessation of training programs.