Wellness Emails Send Physician Into Homicidal Rage

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PROVIDENCE, RI – Police were called to Quintac Hospital yesterday to subdue a “violent and deranged physician,” according to a department spokesperson. Details are still unfolding, but several witnesses report seeing Dr. Jay Hudeman of the Family Medicine Department disembowel and eat several administrators before escaping into the hospital’s maintenance tunnels.

One of the barbaric messages sent to Dr. Hudeman.
One of the barbaric messages sent to Dr. Hudeman.

Described by associates as calm and hard working, Hudeman has no criminal record. Associates state that he became increasingly erratic and hostile over several weeks, apparently fueled by an escalating series of “wellness” emails that had completely eclipsed all other forms of communication from the hospital.

The case has been forwarded to the county’s Cyber-Bullying Department. Wellness-related crime has been on the rise in recent years, but this incident has disturbed even the most experienced officers: 9,481 ‘wellness’ messages were found in the physician’s inbox, spanning just a 4-day period.

“These messages were clearly designed to antagonize a vulnerable person,” stated Detective Fletcher, director of the investigation. “Every message contained low-quality clip art, a frivolous font choice, and a mockingly sincere invitation to an event that Dr. Hudeman couldn’t possibly attend. Who the hell invites a doctor to an ice cream social at 3:00 PM? This is pure, unapologetic abuse.”

Barely suppressing his rage, Fletcher showed reporters several other troubling messages. One contained a cartoon image of a sports car, enthusiastically announcing a seminar entitled ‘Positivity Power – Getting Your Wellness In Gear!’ Another showed a smiley face next to a peace symbol, with the term ‘Mindful Me-Time’ underneath. A third email urged the reader to attend a free yoga class every Wednesday 9:00 AM.

“It takes a seriously sick, vicious bastard to create garbage like this,” fumed the Detective. “I’ve seen all kinds of cruelty and abuse, but this hits a new level of depravity. No wonder the poor guy cracked.”

Also found in Dr. Hudeman’s inbox were 18 messages relating to patient care, 9 from his department chair asking him to speed up patient treatment times, and an unread message from his wife begging him to not miss their son’s birthday party again this year. As of press time, he remains at large and police report no leads on the identity of his persecutors.

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    Dr. Pusey lives on a diet of amused despair and vengeful, grim anticipation. While very fond of animals, he looks upon his own species as a loathsome blight that reminds him of those filthy vagrants accompanied by malnourished dogs that you see panhandling in the subway: revolting, tragic, doomed, and unexpectedly still alive. He has been arrested multiple times for treating the patient as a whole person, not just a disease.

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