Watson IBM

IBM’s Watson Suffers Existential Crisis After Shift in ED

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CAMDEN, NJ – IBM is reporting that famed super computer Watson suffered one of its biggest setbacks to date.  “After our success in diagnosing pediatric patients with colds and ear infections, we thought it was time to let Watson stretch his legs,” IBM lead programmer Mark Derossi stated.  “Our initial problem was allowing him access to WebMD; he initially diagnosed a trauma victim with testicular cancer.  Things didn’t get better from there.”

Watson IBMWatson was then asked by ED physicians to help with multiple back pain patients’ diagnoses.  “At this point we had rolled back the WebMD updates,” continued Derossi, “but he still had recent FDA regulations and guidelines regarding management of acute low back pain.”

“He also knows the definition of emergency,” Derossi informed reporters.

When a 55-year-old patient came to the ED for a 10-year history of back pain and wanted Dilaudid, Watson was caught in a logical paradox and his systems failed.  The patient returned to the hall and stated that “the new pain med dispenser is singing Daisy Bell and won’t help me.”

Derossi, who was on site, rushed in and saw that “his screen had turned to that sad Mac icon with an error message that our engineers currently believe requires the use of the undiscovered portion of the Rosetta Stone to decipher.”

Gomerblog has attempted to contact the patient that witnessed the event, but he was unreachable at numbers provided and did not attend follow up with his new primary care provider.

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