The Michael Jordan of Interns Retires After Curing His 6th Patient

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CLEVELAND, OH – We all know Dr. Mark Jeffries by now.  He is the Michael Jordan of interns.  Setting records by storm, Jeffries has set the medical world on fire.  As an intern at the Cleveland Clinic, he’s what every doctor wishes he or she could be.

Mark cured his 6th patient today, and is hanging up his stethoscope.  No, he isn’t going into orthopedics; he is retiring from medicine… for good.  Mark would have hit his 6th cure earlier but after his third cure, he took a day or so off and tried nursing.

“My dad was a nurse and I thought I’d give it a try,” Mark told reporters before his return to medicine.  “Nursing wasn’t for me, being a physician is where my heart is,” he said at the time of his return.

Truth be told, Mark was a horrible nurse.  As good as he was at being a physician, he was bad at being a nurse.  “He spent half of his life training to become the greatest doctor ever,” the Chair of Medicine Jared Reynolds told reporters. “To just pick up nursing suddenly and be a star in a day or two?  That’s almost impossible.  Glad to have him back.”

He wasn’t back for too long until he hung it up again.  He cured 3 patients the next day, again unprecedented, and called a press conference to announce his retirement.

Although there is some controversy.  Some say he wouldn’t have cured so many patients with out the help of his colleague: Dr. Jane Pippen.  “I didn’t see him curing patients before I joined the team,” said Dr. Pippen who joined the team a few days later because she didn’t have access to Epic right away.  Of note, the team had no cures during Dr. Jeffries’ 2-day hiatus to nursing.

Either way, facts are facts and Dr. Jeffries had the most consults before noon than any other intern, most interns were between 4-4:30 pm. He also had the fastest placement of all internists, including veteran attendings!  He was even invited to the nurses’ potluck on his first week!

One of his patients he cured the hematocrit was down 23 points!  “We were in a jam and had to save the patient.  I gave the order set to Jeffries and he worked his magic.  Boom cured!” Dr. John Holt, his attending, told reporters.  “Not one call from the blood bank disputing his orders.  Not one.  He will be missed.”

Considering his early retirement from medicine, Dr. Jeffries is immortalized for being the smartest intern that has ever lived.  Jordan retired after 6 championships, and so did Jeffries.  He truly is the Michael Jordan of interns.

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