KEARNEY, NE – Dr. Billy Ali Colic, a surgeon at Kind Samaritan Hospital, pulled no punches and hid no excitement when he recommended a wide-open Colo-pancreatico-prosto-aoritco-doudenostomy-ostomy for his patient John Dice this morning.
“Laparoscopic, endoscopic, fluoroscopic?” grinned Colic. “Not an option! This case is the reason why we have sharp scalpels and wide retractors. We’re going elbows deep! I’m talking blood and guts on the ceiling! If an organ is in Netter’s Atlas, we’re getting to it!”
He booked the OR for 16 hours (equivalent to 12 full anesthesia shifts) and asked the blood bank for 14 units of blood and “all of the freshest frozen plasma that they could unfreeze.” He requested that pharmacy “Lactate some extra Ringers” for him too.
The case will require residents PGY 1 through 9 and six medical students, at least 2 of whom will faint and one will drop out of med school in the course of the surgery. Colic requested Urology, Ortho and GYN “assistance” for the case, though he clearly just wanted to show off the massive bloodbath that he scored for himself.
As far as complications, Colic expected to loose at least one of every paired organ, followed by several episodes of serious post-op bleeding, multiple life threatening infection and some other “stuff from the good old days of surgery.” To facilitate recovery, he recommend that the patient donate a “floor or two to the surgical ward.”
When asked about the success rate of this particular procedure, Colic recalled of one lucky son of a b**ch who made it in ’87.