maximal surgery

Surgeon Recommends Maximally-Invasive Surgery

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KEARNEY, NE – Dr. Billy Ali Colic, a surgeon at Kind Samaritan Hospital, pulled no punches and hid no excitement when he recommended a wide-open Colo-pancreatico-prosto-aoritco-doudenostomy-ostomy for his patient John Dice this morning.

“Laparoscopic, endoscopic, fluoroscopic?” grinned Colic. “Not an option! This case is the reason why we have sharp scalpels and wide retractors. We’re going elbows deep! I’m talking blood and guts on the ceiling! If an organ is in Netter’s Atlas, we’re getting to it!”

He booked the OR for 16 hours (equivalent to 12 full anesthesia shifts) and asked the blood bank for 14 units of blood and “all of the freshest frozen plasma that they could unfreeze.” He requested that pharmacy “Lactate some extra Ringers” for him too.

The case will require residents PGY 1 through 9 and six medical students, at least 2 of whom will faint and one will drop out of med school in the course of the surgery. Colic requested Urology, Ortho and GYN “assistance” for the case, though he clearly just wanted to show off the massive bloodbath that he scored for himself.

As far as complications, Colic expected to loose at least one of every paired organ, followed by several episodes of serious post-op bleeding, multiple life threatening infection and some other “stuff from the good old days of surgery.” To facilitate recovery, he recommend that the patient donate a “floor or two to the surgical ward.”

When asked about the success rate of this particular procedure, Colic recalled of one lucky son of a b**ch who made it in ’87.

  • Livin La Vida Locum MD

    Livin La Vida Locum MD chose the most rewarding of all medical specialties and became a hospitalist. Wanting to contribute even more to the medical community, he trialed his hand at clinical research, but quickly realized that peer reviewed articles, R2,, and Odds Ratios will never top the impact of thorough healthcare reporting. So he dedicated his life to delivering the finest, deepest and broadest medical news from around the country. He accomplishes this monumental task by accepting locum assignments all over the country; in towns, villages and “hospitals” you never heard of and will never visit. May all fans of medical satire benefit from his wandering.

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