ATLANTA, GA – Almost halfway into their intern year, survey statistics are showing a troubling trend. This year’s new residents are not down for breakfast. As news of this phenomenon hit the markets, the Dow dropped by 7 points, while tater tot ventures are falling rapidly.
The cause? Some speculate that residents this year are just not that chill, while others state that the hospital breakfast is “not very good.”
“We triple-checked our data analysis, because we thought there had to be an error,” said Masters of Public Health post-doc Rick Moreson. “Resident breakfasts are an integral source of revenue for the hospital cafeteria. Besides residents, who else is going to be willing to drink bad coffee along with a side of chicken wings at 6 AM?”
“I really don’t know what the big deal is,” states Dr. Alicia Forthright, PGY-1 while eating an energy bar. “We have sick patients to take care of, so I just bring a snack. I don’t get why everyone is so fixated on this breakfast thing.” Unfortunately, Forthright was not asked any follow-up questions, as this reporter was at a loss for words, and simply stared incredulously.
Hospital president Mark Bossman encourages residents to do the right thing, and make breakfast a priority. “We know you all have a lot of responsibilities,” Bossman said while addressing the intern class, “but sometimes you just need to prioritize and know that you won’t get to everything all in one day. Your hospital cafeteria needs you now, because without your help, it may not be here tomorrow.”