HELL – Brian Studebaker, MS3, has left his stethoscope somewhere in this god forsaken hospital for the 85th time, sources confirm. Studebaker describes his stethoscope as “blue,” as this is the color of his favorite sports team.
Studebaker reports that this recent loss has not substantially changed his cardiovascular exam, noting that he found all his patients to be “RRR with nml S1, S2, no MRGs,” at which point the senior resident requested he use “actual words” while speaking.
“Without the stethoscope my physical exam skills have actually improved,” Studebaker notes. “I’ve stopped auscultating phantom 2/6 systolic ejection murmurs on my healthy patients, and when someone looks sick enough, now I just put a murmur in my notes. My accuracy has skyrocketed!”
However, Studebaker’s newfound physical exam successes may not last long, as Nurse Hillary up in the TCU states the patient in bed 403 has complained of a stethoscope-like-object lying on her breakfast tray next to the scrambled eggs that she found unsatisfactory.
More updates on this situation to come.