A lullaby plays gently over the speakers.

“That’s our way of letting everyone know a new bundle of joy has entered the world,” the tour guide tells the small group of expectant parents as they waddle down the hallway. The mommies-to-be coo as their partners wrap a supportive arm around them.

“For those of you who are first-timers, you’re in for a real treat. Those of you who this isn’t the first time at the rodeo, you’ll be excited to know there are some new additions for this season’s line. And if you’ve already completed your registry, you’re going to want to reopen those shopping lists once you see what’s next,” the guide ushers the group into chairs lining the ward hallway.

Once everyone is comfortably seated, the lights are dimmed. A speculum light dimly illuminates the end of the hallway where a woman stands in a hospital gown, IV pole in one hand, foley bag in the other.  “Ladies and gentlemen, for thousands of years women have been delivering babies.

Women have been subjected to all sorts of crimes to fashion from moo-moos to nursing bras. But the last, and final, insult is the mesh panty. The drab, the saggy, the anything but sexy mesh panty. I am here, we are here, to tell you, that all ends here tonight. Tonight ladies, we are proud to present the 2017 Victoria’s Secret Postpartum Panty, because ladies,” as she slings her foley bag over her shoulder, “we’re not going to take it anymore!”

As she swings a pair of mesh granny panties over her head, lights flash as Twisted Sister’s “We’re Not Gonna Take It” pumps in loudly. The visitors cheer loudly as the newly Post-Partum models strut proudly up and down the hallway, showing off this season’s episiotomy, C-section, and natural birth collections.

“Ladies, if you’re interested in signing up to be one of our runway models, please let us know prior to crowning.”

The crowd rose to their feet with thunderous applause, so enthusiastically so two expectant mothers’ water’s broke.

As they were escorted to registration, the tour guide could be overheard telling those remaining that next season’s line might have contributions from Dolce and Gobanna as well as Kate Spade.

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