DETROIT, MI – In a fit of mild rage and decisive action, local physician Dr. Enuf wrote his final order in the battle with an entrenched patient who refuses to leave the hospital. “Discontinue bed from the patient’s room” was all that was entered into the EMR; the bomb had been dropped.
“She started out nice enough,” said Haad, a very nice 46-year-old surgeon from Kalamazoo, Michigan. “She came in with acute appendicitis, the surgery went great, and we expected her to go home the next day.” That my friends, was not accurate.
The patient refused to leave the next day, citing uncontrolled pain, even though she was giggling and texting her friends. The following days the excuses ranged from itching to nausea to not having a bowel movement in 3 days despite nursing charting 1 BM per shift. “I don’t feel 100% myself, and until I do I am going to stay right here and get better.”
Refusing most interventions, she declined oral pain meds, oral nausea meds, oral anti-itch meds, PT, OT, RT, dietary, and heparin, but was agreeable to art and pet therapy. “They help me feel so much better about my horrible disease and likely weeks in the hospital,” explained that patient.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was when Dr. Enuf walked into the patient’s room early Thursday morning and found her cuddling with her boyfriend. “Positive cuddle sign!!! She needs to leave!!” exclaimed Dr. Enuf. He would later explain to Gomerblog, “A positive cuddle sign is when a patient is healthy and comfortable enough to cuddle with their significant other. They are clearly doing very well, pain is controlled, and they need to go home to cuddle… need to go home….go home…”
Dr. Enuf was found crying in the fetal position in the corner of the physician’s lounge hugging an extra large coffee and a 2-day-old bagel. The patient still refuses to leave, and is having her baby daddy bring in a cot for her in the mean time since the bed was removed.