KEARNEY, NE – For the tenth year in the row, the venerable Dr. Hal Dole was recognized as the most effective psychiatrist by the nurses, doctors, and therapists at Kind Samaritan Hospital. While not entirely omnipotent, Dr. Hal Dole was able to chill the f*ck out of the most strung out crackheads and wildest withdrawing alchies in the ICU.
Dr. Sara Quell and Dr Laura Z. Pam tied for second place but were unable to deliver the serenity and calm so needed by the thrashing and cussing 90-year- old ICU patients at 4 AM.
Dr. Dole’ cousin, Dr. Reese Perry Done, clinched third place once again, but was unable to stop withdrawing alcoholics from peeing on the ceiling. Also in the running were Dr. Alonzo Pinn and Dr. Abby-Lee Fye, but their efforts came in short when it came to octogenarians flinging pooh at nurses. While the hospital veteran Dr. Benny Drill was also considered for the award, he was found to be inferior to restraints at subduing a sundowner’s left hook.
Long time hospitalist Dr. Luka Penia commented on the award: “Dr. Hal Dole is my number one go-to guy. Had it not been for him, I would have lost my sh*t years back.”