SEATTLE, WA – Friday, local drug-seeker Garrett Ashton was reportedly shocked to learn that his Dilaudid was not available for pick-up, and in fact, it had not been prescribed at all. Upon following up with his naturopathic “doctor,” the miscommunication leading to Mr. Ashton’s lack of hydromorphone was elucidated. David Farms, ND, informed his patient that he was under the impression Mr. Ashton was in search of naturopathic pain remedies.
In an interview, Farms stated that he presented Mr. Ashton with a wide variety of naturopathic options for pain management. “Yes, I offered him a tincture of fried pig’s liver with a side of pickled leeches,” Farms explained. “This is an ancient Assyrian remedy for lower back pain that I read about on Tumblr.” Continuing, Farms mentioned that Mr. Ashton’s enthusiasm for naturopathic remedies overall was less than he expected.
“I guess Mr. Ashton made an appointment with me, expecting to experience the advantages of ‘modern’ medicine. That’s clearly not what I do here,” Farms said dismissively. When questioned further about the conversation that led to the confusion over the prescription medication, Farms said “Dilaudid? Oh, I thought he wanted me to ‘dilute it,’ you know, like he was asking me to apply to fundamental principle of homeopathy to his medication regimen. See in the corner over there? I diluted a bunch of that pig’s liver I mentioned earlier for him. Could you drop it off at his house on your way back into town?”
Local AMA chair Deborah Evans, M.D., was subsequently informed of the incident. After hearing of Mr. Ashton’s troubles with his homeopath, she glanced at the ceiling, and took several large sips of water. She subsequently coughed loudly several times, then simply relinquished her attempts to suppress her laughter. Several uproarious minutes later, she wiped the tears from her eyes, admitting: “What can I say, they deserve each other.”