Social-Histories Improve Markedly Following Social Media Data Hack

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Medical institutions across the nation have noticed a dramatic increase in the social history accuracy of their medical records over the past month, following Epic’s unexpected hack of all social media platforms.

When asked for a comment, Epic had this to say: “After rigorous review, our crack team of data scientists determined that only about one out of every five patients in our records have a social history. Many of those that do exist are outdated or contradictory. Just last week we reviewed the chart of an adult woman who was supposedly sexual active, both interested and not interested in having children in the future, pregnant and not-pregnant, taking OCPs, had an IUD placed, and had her tubes tied. Needless to say, we were at a loss and devised a better alternative.”

After roughly one week of public backlash corresponding to the public media attention span and several protests, the populace has largely come to accept the fact that hospitals now have immediate access to all their social information.

“I was outraged at first. It’s all over my FB page – I was a social justice warrior for days. But then I realized that it’s not all bad. I mean, I don’t have to tell them that I drink alcohol regularly now. They can just see it in my friend’s posts of us on the weekend,” reported one mid-20s millennial sporting a grumpy-cat t-shirt. “I’ve even tagged my drugs now to make it easier. See here? There’s molly and Mary J!” When queried, his primary care physician’s new Social Media Manager confirmed via text and emojis that the patient’s chart had been updated to include this information within 10 minutes of posting.

The medical community has likewise received the hack with unexpected enthusiasm. Medical students and residents have been especially appreciative. Halfa Sefort, a 3rd year medical student currently on her IM rotation, describes the influx of information as life-altering.

“The social history consumes so much of your time. I just – can’t. It’s the worst. Now I don’t have to ask the patient any of those awkward questions that everyone pretends to ask. And in the afternoon when my residents pretend I don’t exist, I can review my patients on FB and Twitter as a form of social collateral.” As we spoke, she was simultaneously browsing a patient’s vacation photos to Bali. “She was recently out of the country – better check for parasites. Wow, that’s a cute dress!”

A small core of resistance remains among the vanguard of older physicians and healthcare providers, but even they admit to the advantages of the data hack. Dr. Kent Ankorus – after speaking discursively for 10 minutes about the virtues of paper charts and the physician-patient relationship – finally shrugged his shoulders and agreed that it makes life easier. “You used to be able to talk to people. Now instead of talking, they tweet while I’m trying to build rapport. I try to ask them to put their phones down, but they usually don’t hear me over their notifications. With profile access, I can just get on with my day and try to figure out how to bill for this visit.”

We attempted to contact FB for comments but received no reply. An anonymous employee leaked an email transcript implicating the company’s involvement in the hack, but it remains to be seen if anyone will care.

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