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In a bold move announced today, Mt. Saint Elsewhere hospital stated that the dialysis and infusion unit will be offering supplemental packages. “Anything you could get a regular spa you will now be able to get here” said spokesperson E.S. ReDay. “From manicures to pedicures, facials to wraps, you will be pampered like a king or queen when you come three days a week for your dialysis.”

This announcement is in response to declining reimbursement from the big payers including CMS and private insurance giants. “We just aren’t making money with these dialysis units like we used to, and we had to figure out a way to make them a profitable part of our hospital” said CEO A.D. Begg. “My bonus and stock options are very important to me, and the hospital making a profit is a huge part of that. Oh and I guess it’ll help patients too, it’s a win for everyone.”

“Clearly the Medicaid and Medicare population have excess income, and what better way to spend it than on unnecessary but oh so luxurious spa days” he continues. Plans have been in the works for years, but it took some special planning to work on small details, like nail polish fume removal around dialysis and how to keep the shampoo sink from splashing on the IV pumps.

Although they could not be reached for comment, the case managers for Medicaid seemed thrilled about the idea. “Chronically sick patients, cancer patients, patients with hemophilia and various other conditions that require transfusion should have this available, as clearly looking good is way more important than not bleeding out or getting a full dose of chemo.” If this takes off, look for other units to follow suit, as the OR has ideas for waxing packages, since everyone gets shaved anyway.

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