lab results

July Intern: ‘Potassium is Either 4 or 14’

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KEARNEY, NE – Residency is full of minute details and keeping these all together is hard when you’re just starting out. So no surprise that brand new intern Katie Tonic at Kind Samaritan Hospital could not exactly recall if her patient’s Potassium was 4 or 14 during her very first rounds.

lab resultsShe had further difficulty reporting if he needed dialysis or had some paralysis and had to dig through the chart to see if her patient had Nocardia or Procardia. She was pretty sure that the patient was taking Zyprexa or Celexa or Ranexa and had some issues with his adnexa. He had an infected stoma or maybe worsening glaucoma.. perhaps an enlarging hematoma being invaded by a lymphoma. I think i’m going into a coma.

The patient was admitted to Urology with a Medicine consult, cause that can be a thing on your first day of residency. And Ophtho and Allergy consults would come any minute now. The patient would quit smoking and start a full exercise program immediately upon discharge.

He was either Full Code or Half Code or had a malignant lymph node. The patient was on normal saline and with a mutated gene and should be taking Thiamine. He was of-course allergic to morphine. But also to Tylenol, Aspirin, Norco, Apples, Bees and everything else that was not Dilaudid.

The next 12 months are sure to suck.

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  • Livin La Vida Locum MD

    Livin La Vida Locum MD chose the most rewarding of all medical specialties and became a hospitalist. Wanting to contribute even more to the medical community, he trialed his hand at clinical research, but quickly realized that peer reviewed articles, R2,, and Odds Ratios will never top the impact of thorough healthcare reporting. So he dedicated his life to delivering the finest, deepest and broadest medical news from around the country. He accomplishes this monumental task by accepting locum assignments all over the country; in towns, villages and “hospitals” you never heard of and will never visit. May all fans of medical satire benefit from his wandering.

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