KEARNEY, NE – With options dwindling, all hopes rest on the heroic divers who saved the boys in Thailand to locate a 600-lb. man’s penis, sources reported from Nebraska today. Multiple practitioners at Kind Samaritan Hospital (KSH) have attempted to penetrate the deep crevices of a local patient, Barry A. Trick, and place a Foley but all have failed.
Initial attempts by July intern Millie Neal nosedived early, as she had to turn back at the room entrance, lacking the protective equipment and intestinal fortitude required for the mission.
Veteran ER nurse Kathy Turr came close as she was able to navigate between the third and fourth pannus but eventually had to return, running low on oxygen in the treacherous clefts.
Experienced ER physician Luka Cite also bravely dove in, but was unsuccessful as the Foley catheter ran out of slack in the perilous meatal cavern.
Skilled urologist Stuck Foreskin was within reach but had to withdraw when he was led down a blind passage into the dangerous perineal grotto and became overwhelmed by the toxic local conditions.
The latest report indicates that the Thai divers have accepted the mission and will depart for KSH after they finishing extracting a terrified July intern from under the bed of the call room.