Never touch your hair. It cannot be down, and it cannot look fancy. Optional styles include bun, ponytail, or braid. I might as well shave it off! I hear you thinking it – we’ve all thought it – but it’s wrong. The only thing worse than looking like a woman that’s too hot is looking like you’re not a woman at all. Woman? Sorry, I meant girl.
Never touch your phone. Male doctors who touch their phones are using them as information gathering and analyzing devices. They are on the cutting edge of technology and medicine. They are basically Steve Jobs in a white coat.
Not you. Girl doctors who touch their phones are texting their boyfriends. Worse, they’re texting their babysitters. How’s Amy doing in the NICU? Have they taken her off the ventilator yet? This is the problem with girl doctors. They are very distracted. They are not committed to the cause.
Do not take a lunch break. They will assume that you are breastfeeding. Don’t have a baby? Doesn’t matter. Maybe you are breastfeeding yourself. On this note, do not take maternity leave. Maternity leave places an unfair burden on those around you. Think of the patients, after all. You’re in the caring profession. Plus, you work at a hospital; just have the baby during your lunch break! (Though, like we said, do not take a lunch break. They will assume you are birthing a baby.)
Names you should learn to answer to: sweetheart, nurse, honey, baby, nurse, miss, nurse, nurse. Oh, you think as long as you introduce yourself as doctor it will be okay? Listen. We’ve tried everything. White coats, name tags the size of a road sign, a bright red badge with MD in bold letters… some glass ceilings are just not made to be broken. You’re gonna be nurse till the day you die, sweetie.
That said: do not wear nursing scrubs. There are scrubs for nurses and scrubs for doctors and this is how the hierarchy stays intact. Scrubs for nurses are made for women and so they fit women’s bodies. Scrubs for doctors are unisex and so they fit men’s bodies.
Don’t worry, though. Even though you are wearing the baggiest cotton pajamas possible, your patients and colleagues will still find your body worthy of their attention and admiration. When they offer up their words of praise about your ass or your boobs while you are fulfilling your professional responsibilities, make sure to be polite in your response. They’re just being nice! Learn to take a compliment. Learn to smile. Didn’t they teach you anything in nursing school?
Wait, what? Medical school? You’re a nurse AND a doctor?!
Never cry. Never look like you’re about to cry. Never look like you just cried. Never appear cold or emotionless. There’s only one emotion for you, and that’s gratitude. You’re lucky to be here, baby.