Countdown of the Top 10 Things Found in the Rectum

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In a style similar to family feud, we surveyed people who like to shove things in places, and also the surgeons who need to remove them, to try and come up with a top 10 list of foreign bodies found in people’s rectums. So without further ado, here we go

10. Sharp objects. Not sure why, but razor blades, scissors, and various other cutting implements seem to be constantly sticking upright in places where people usually sit. The amounting of tripping and falling on them with clothes on is amazing, seems like those things have minds of their own.

9. Coloring utensils. Crayons, markers, colored pencils, even sidewalk chalk, have all colored the sphincter of more than one patient. You know those pills you can swallow to make your poop sparkle? This is just taking it to the source.

8. Canned goods. Also included here are jars. Our personal favorite was a taller and more slender jar of salsa. Peaches, beans, even jams are all rearin’ to go here. Raiding the cellar or your local grocery store never had quite the meaning as it does when you’re in the preserves isle and sizing up marmalade…

7. Lightbulb. Not sure what part of ‘thin walled glass object’ is appealing, but nonetheless it sure is a crowd favorite. While the patients might like it, surgeons area always careful. “One wrong move and it can break, which always makes me nervous” said a local surgeon. “Sucks for the patient more than me.”

6. Dining room objects. This includes silverware, glasses, the occasional salt shaker, and even napkin rings. For those who can’t entertain with their dining room set, why not make better use of it? Just be careful which end of the fork goes in.

5. Living animals. While some of these are urban legend, various small (and some not so small) living organisms besides the bacteria have been housed, usually temporarily, in the rectal vault. Legend has it a 2 foot eel was once removed in China, however more locally have found small things like fish, hamsters, turtles, and even the occasional frog. “you don’t want anything with teeth or claws” says local foreign body frequent flier Seymour Butts. “I had a friend who did that and ended up with holes in their colon. Nobody wants surgery for that!”

4. Fruit. Not nearly as popular as a vegetable, but nothing beats that pelvic xray with what looks like a faint outline of an apple with a bite out of it. “It’s a granny smith” says the patient, as if that’s going to make a lick of difference, pun intended, on how to get it out.

3. Spray cans. Be it non stick cooking spray, scented body spray, or hairspray, the cans are a commonplace in the booty. While they might not slide right out or deal with the smell completely, they sure do like to linger.

2. Sex toys. These little (or big) buddies have a nasty way of ‘getting away’ from the patients and sliding up a little too far. General surgeons everywhere have gotten the calls when a ‘phallic shaped vibrating object’ is stuck in someone’s rectum and won’t come out. Best phone call at 2am ever!

And the number 1 thing found in a patient’s rectum is…a vegetable! When you’re trying to eat healthy, you gotta hit it from both sides. What better way to get fiber directly to your colon that putting it directly there? Cucumbers, bananas, carrots, and many more veggies have found their way past the sphincter into the rectum. The colonic benefit is a little suspect though, studies are ongoing.

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