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Great Texas Zoo, Houston, TX – The zoo had very high hopes for a newly installed $2M CT Scanner. Local veterinarian Dr. Levi Quinn informed Gomerblog: “It was supposed to help us keep animals healthy by providing imaging to the biggest and most irregular of creatures. This thing can handle everything from a giant turtle to a slightly smaller turtle, to a lion and even a penguin.”

The celebration was short lived, however, as the news of the scanners arrival quickly spread to local human hospitals. CT scanners there are limited to 500lb and sending patient to the zoo has been a trusted way to get some pictures.

“Unbelievable!” Complained Dr. Quinn. This week we were planning to use the scanner to mate the last white rhinos in captivity. Instead we had to scan a 600lb man who got nauseous at the all you can eat Chinese buffet and a 550Lb woman who was more sleepy than usual. Turned out she confused her Diovan with Ativan and Celexa with Zyprexa.

“Our giraffe Shorty has been suffering from orthostatic hypotension for months!” continued the crushed veterinarian. “Instead of of helping him, we had a five hundred pounder alcoholic with belly pain. I could have told you she had pancreatitis without the damn scan!” The list of suffering animals includes a depressed tiger, an eagle with severe vertigo, an anemic buffalo and an impotent chimpanzee. The zoo is obliged, however to service the long line of human ambulances outside.

“Think of the animals!” implored Dr. Quinn. “Won’t someone think of the animals!”

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  • Livin La Vida Locum MD

    Livin La Vida Locum MD chose the most rewarding of all medical specialties and became a hospitalist. Wanting to contribute even more to the medical community, he trialed his hand at clinical research, but quickly realized that peer reviewed articles, R2,, and Odds Ratios will never top the impact of thorough healthcare reporting. So he dedicated his life to delivering the finest, deepest and broadest medical news from around the country. He accomplishes this monumental task by accepting locum assignments all over the country; in towns, villages and “hospitals” you never heard of and will never visit. May all fans of medical satire benefit from his wandering.

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