Beverly Hills Hospital Unveils new “Vapid Response Team”

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BEVERLY HILLS, CA: It’s no secret that Americans spend far too much on end-of-life care. Moreover, medical interventions on the terminally ill can be needlessly painful and even against the patient’s own wishes. Fortunately, Beverly Hills Hospital has recently announced the launch its new Vapid Response Team.

“The VRT is like the traditional Rapid Response Team,” says hospital president Jackie Juarez, “but with a particular focus towards patient comfort and relaxation”. Activating a VRT is simple: if any nurse, physician, or premed volunteer sees a patient in crisis satting 82%, BP 74/36, and that patient is also a 92 year old woman with ESRD, HFrEF, and Alzheimer’s, 12 hours s/p bilateral total hip replacement, they can call x90210 from any hospital phone. Within minutes, a team of highly trained cosmeticians, hair stylists, and manicurists will be at bedside to help the patient look his or her best.

“Comfort-care is a big trend in medicine, and for good reason” says Mary-Jane Cannes, chief of palliative care medicine at BHH. “No one wants to see Grandma’s final moments be having her ribs cracked from half an hour of chest compressions, and certainly no one wants to see her go with chipped nails and uneven mascara!”

Juarez says that VRTs are expected to save the hospital $300,000 each month, as well as slashing the hospital’s readmission rates in half. Across the street, a new $500 million hospital building is under construction, where its 20 state of the art patient suites, complete with private gym, sauna, and cocktail bar, will continue to redefine patient-centered care for years to come.

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