It’s that time again. Time for you to buck up and go get your ACLS renewed before it expires. Everyone knows that after a certain number of years in the medical field, renewing ones ACLS becomes a boring menial task that inconveniences you for a whole few hours. It also doesn’t really encompass the true essence of the code situation.

Well not to worry. Laerdal, the makers of the original Resusci Annie mannequin have got your back. In an attempt to more accurately deliver the feeling you get when attending an actual code blue, Laerdal has come out with a new and improved CPR mannequin. This innovative mannequin, called resusci-asshole, has several key features that make your ACLS renewal experience more consistent with reality.

1. There is a feature that mimics a patient call button sound. This feature is set to go off at random intervals throughout your mega code. You must address this feature in a timely manner by verbalizing one of the following statements into a microphone . “I’ll be with you in a moment Mr. Jones”, or “could someone please go check on Mr. Jones.” Everyone knows that nobody pushes their call button until there is a code. Then everyone wants pain medicine.

2. There is a feature that provides constant different alarm tones. The IV alarm tone requires you to maintain adequate depth with one handed compressions while your other hand straightens the mannequins arm and then presses a reset button.

3. Other alarm tones that may go off during your mega code are ventilator alarms, fire alarms, monitor alarms, and tornado sirens. This is to prepare you for the real world. Codes do not happen in a vacuum.

4. Several key phrases have been programmed into the speakers. No longer will there simply be a green light when you are compressing deep and fast enough. You will hear phrases such as “I’m not a burrito, press deeper dammit.”, “dude, what do you think this is? Paddy Cake? Press faster already.”and “you are gonna kill me if you don’t get it right!”.

5. In addition to the alarms and phrases, there will be annoying background conversation. This serves to mimic noise from the 45 person crowd that gathers during each code. You must listen carefully to determine if any of it is pertinent to the situation at hand.

These new features will revolutionize the CPR mannequin industry and prepare us to deliver the best and most efficient care during a code blue. Laerdal is currently working out the kinks to add a “bodily function” feature to resusci-asshole to enhance your experience even more.