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Hello, my name is Dr. Sassy McSnark. Although I am frequently confused for a nurse, I am actually a doctor… with a vagina! Who knew such things were possible? Although it was a slug getting though medical school—what with periods, labile emotions and the aforementioned vagina—I managed to graduate and somehow manipulate my way into a competitive surgical subspecialty.

It was exhausting sleeping with all of those men (and a few women) to get there. The good news was that my arms got pretty toned from all the handies. Maybe my USMLE scores, academics, and research had something to do with it as well but who knows… when in doubt, spread ‘em out! Amirite?

I am here to help all of the new lady nurs— erm doctors— with a few tips for surviving intern year.

My first tip is to SMILE! Smiling is important because everyone feels threatened when someone with lady parts tells them authoritatively what to do. So instead of being direct and precise, get those pearly whites out and try giving “orders” like this: “I don’t know, but, like, maybe we should the coding patient epi?!” For extra effect, make sure the last word is at least an octave higher, tilt your head, and look confused.

To make yourself more believable as a serious “doctor,” my second tip is that you better make yourself as unattractive as you can ASAP. Of course, not too unattractive— that’s just gross— I mean you are a girl after all. Wear a little bit of makeup for heaven’s sake. Gaining about fifteen pounds should do the trick. The good news is that you have a cafeteria full of cheese fries and tater tots to help you achieve your goal… with the added bonus of being able practice self-care by eating your emotions! YAY!

And this brings me to tip number three: be a team player! As the girl (don’t for a second think you’re a woman) on the team, you have an innate talent for multitasking. It is your duty to take care of patients, put out metaphorical fires, and above all, get coffee, while the important man doctors work on the important man things that will further their careers– like research and schmoozing with attendings. It’s important to help the men shine because, let’s be real, you’re just going to end of getting pregnant and staying at home anyway.