Emergency Department Only Taking Care of Very Pleasant Patients
HOGSMEADE, CT – The emergency department of South Shore Hospital in Hogsmeade will only be treating “very pleasant” patients starting November 1, 2018. Argus Filch, charge nurse, laments the policy change but sees no alternative. “Too often our patients are making liars out of our providers. Patients are not actually living up to their billing as pleasant. No consultant wants to take care of an unpleasant patient.”
“You have no idea the morale boost, when I know the patient I’m coming in to see at 2 AM is very pleasant. Doesn’t matter if they have a perianal abscess or necrotizing fasciitis, I just can’t wait to see that smiling face,” boasts general surgeon Horace Slughorn.
Tom Riddle, CEO, has referenced declining Press Gainey scores as a reason for the new policy. “‘Very pleasant’ patients are 3.2 times as likely to recommend our ED. We welcome them with open arms,” says Riddle. CMS reimbursement is scheduled to be at an all-time high starting next month.
If you are only “pleasant” or “unpleasant” the South Shore Hospital board ask that you seek care at County Hospital North or a myriad of hospitals in any other town. A free taxi transfer service will deposit you at the ER of your choosing.