New DSM to classify hearing a diastolic murmur as an auditory hallucination

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Dubuque, Iowa – following a growing number of reports on the deteriorating mental health among doctors, the American Psychiatric Association decided to tackle the issue through the next edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM). The 6th edition reportedly will be physician-friendly and address everyday medical issues.

Is that a murmur or an auditory hallucination?

The psychiatry team met with top cardiologists who agreed that ‘some cardiac sounds’ can be heard by the 200 year old device, while ‘others cannot’.

“We decided to put a stop to the familiar phenomenon of bunch of trainees nodding their heads in a fake agreement as the tutor boasts in a faint heart sound that is clearly not there. If you really think that you hear this theoretical sound then you have a problem”.

Another unexpected classification is the digital rectal examination (DRE) as a digital paraphilia. “We found that in 100% of the cases surgeons perform a brief H&P and physical then order CT and follow a CT-directed care. If you elect to do DRE, it means you like it.”

Changed are also coming to the medicine department. Criteria for the definition of ADHD will be expanded to include “performing, reporting, or documenting Chvostek, Kernig, or Argyll-Robertson signs on more than 1 occasion”.

In the 6th edition, Status consultus defined as “the acute presentation of a massive activation of consult services for a patient, out of proportion to the degree of the patient’s illness”. It is mostly commonly seen among interns while on first ICU rotation.

“We hope that early recognition of these common situations will be appropriately addressed (with SSRIs) and shall not be dismissed anymore”

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