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Being admitted as a patient can be a scary and vulnerable time. Why not take this opportunity to get laid in your hospital bed, reverse Trendelenberg style! Talk about a rush of blood to the head – and that head too, wink wink!

Your penis. I’m talking about your penis.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that there are two kinds of nurses: smokin’ hot or old as shit. The old as shit nurses are crusty and dry like your tray’s salt-free hamburger, while the smokin’ hot can incite sexual tension thicker than your tray’s tasteless custard. Delicious, and within your carb liberal diet parameters!

But are those sexy nurses (in their wrinkled scrubs who haven’t eaten and are dying to pee) ready to take it doggy style OR are they just performing the basic functions of their job description? Here are some key questions to ask yourself that cut through the ambiguity the same way your plastic knife completely missed the bacon and sliced your styrofoam plate. Great, now there’s pancake syrup on the table. Nurse!

Is your nurse checking on you every hour?
Nurses perform mandatory hourly rounding to monitor patients and because nurse managers track every fucking bedside visit, but you know the top of her priorities involve assessing your fuckability. You can’t deny the erotica of Standard Operating Procedure.

Is your nurse assessing your risk for infection?
Foleys, PIVs, PICC/central/arterial lines, port-a-caths, JP drains, fistulas, and wound vacs: is your nurse evaluating all possible risks of infection to fill out the fucking pointless nursing plan of care charting, OR is she just trying to sneak a peek at what she’s working with after a physically exhausting, mentally debilitating 12-hour shift? I think we both know the answer to that one.

Is your nurse asking you to use your incentive spirometer?
Did you just have surgery? Are you at risk for a respiratory issue? Or is your nurse trying to secretly tell you that she’s dying to suck your dick (the same way you could suck the spirometer but don’t feel like it because it hurts soooo much can she bring a pain pill LIKE RIGHT NOW IT’S 6/10 and more water too but only thismuch ice not like last time)? How could she not want your D?

Is your nurse doing her job?
Your nurse is being paid to take care of you and two to four other patients (and their families, so fun!). She has med passes, IV drips, wound care, showers, labs, insulin, telemetry, x-ray, CT, consults, charting, 25 specialist teams, idiot residents, and pieces of shit like you. So yeah, she’s definitely ready to hook up with you; especially after her third 12-hour shift. You’re definitely the first patient who’s ever had this idea!

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