TAMPA, FL – In a sad and tragic turn of events, local resident doctor James Hilden was told that he would never fully be cured from his depression due to his inability to participate in yoga. Dr. Hilden, who lacked the flexibility to maintain even the most basic child’s pose, was thought to be a hopeless case.
“There is a direct correlation between wellness and time spent in downward facing dog,” said local hospital administrator Dr. May. “Since James is unable to participate in this wellness event, he will never obtain the peace of mind and existential realization that is required to complete residency.”
The yoga session, which occupied a five-minute block during weekly conference, was a cornerstone of the wellness curriculum. “I was hoping that I could use that time to call my wife and children, since I rarely get to see them anymore,” said the unenlightened resident. “I am told that I will have to undergo a wellness boot camp instead.”
The boot camp, which included mindfulness, hugs, and scheduled beatings with the “wellness stick” was a new and untested program which hospital administrators hoped could be used in refractory cases. Participants were informed that the beatings would continue until wellness improved.
At press time, hospital administrators were unavailable for comment. They were reportedly at home spending time with their families.