What Your Hospital Coffee Selection Says About You

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1) The “For Patient’s Only” Coffee Machine
The feigned ‘exclusiveness’ of this particular brew forces a smug smile on the face of any resident or student saboteur who sneaks away with a morning cup. These people are often on the luke-warm side of risky, self-starters, introverted, and not afraid to get their hands dirty. Sure, hospital staff might spot you in your white coat lining up behind patients, but they wouldn’t dare confront you. But in case they do, you prepare your rebuttal as you wait.

2) The Hospital Starbucks
Often reserved for those who choose class over convenience, these people have no time for the quibble about who’s turn it is to clean the Keurig and which person forgot to stock the K-Cups. These are the extroverts, go-getters, and Type A personalities. They won’t hesitate to give an exasperated sigh when stuck behind the elderly relative of your patient who can’t decide between the scone or muffin.

3) The Cafeteria Instant Coffee
You’re likely a medical student on a 5-minute break between lectures who has never actually used a stethoscope yet. You also don’t actually have a need for coffee but your friend mentioned it’s “a good chance to stretch your legs and get the blood moving” so you tagged along. You feel okay in the middle of the pack – not a leader, but not quite a follower. You go with the flow and that’s okay.

4) The Resident Lounge Coffee
It’s free but often forgotten and replaced with energy drinks. The resident lounge coffee maker serves more of an aesthetic purpose – routinely advertised as a luxury during residency interviews. Those determined enough to brew a cup are usually a defeated senior resident on-call or an intern pretending it’s good, just to prove a moot point. This is the type to stand away from the pack but still close enough to be seen. They wear scrubs they stole from an away-rotation and usually have strong opinions about trivial matters. These people are fun in small doses.

5) The Office Keurig
This bundle of joy is equal parts clinician, lovable goofball, and patients quarterback. They meander from room to room, keeping office spirits up and patient wait times long. Despite their backlog, The Office Keurig is just speedy enough to be their sole pit stop whilst fielding patients, drug reps, and phone calls. Nobody can bring you down from the joy of clinic duties and the Office Keurig revitalizes the pep in your step without fail.

6) The Homebrew
This buff has no problem fogging up their Warby Parkers over a cup of their own creation. Immune to taste-bud scalding temperatures, this neighborhood barista compensates for their average clinical skills with a wildly mature sense of roast quality. Touting a light jacket over their scrub top, the homebrew kings and queens claim to be masters of efficiency, despite their slow morning routine. They use their charm to delegate small tasks so they can remain in the lounge and give off-the-cuff lectures to students. They are nerdy and personable enough to entertain the floor nurses but that’s about the extent of their social outreach.

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