New Updated Hippacratic Oath for 2019

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I swear by ICD-10 the Code, by Epiclepius the Record Keeper, by Hygienia in Good Hands, by Pancreas, by WebMD, by Twitter, by Facebook, and by all the other gods and goddesses, making them my witnesses, that I will carry out, according to my ability and judgment, this oath and this indenture.

To hold IT equal to my own parents so that I may continue to log on, when colleagues are in need of money to share my LinkedIn contacts with them; to consider my Epic Super User as my own brother in medicine, and to teach students the art of Smart Phrases, with appropriate fees for tuition; to impart, precept, oral instruction, and all other instruction to my own non-gender identity binding offspring, to the children of my teacher, and to indentured medical students deep in student debt who have taken the physician’s oath, but to nobody else.

I will treat the sick according to Good Practice Guidelines, never trusting my own ability and judgment, but instead deferring to Practice Advisories and pre-ordained Order Sets, always with a view to avoid perceived wrong-doing.

Neither will I administer a non-formulary poison to anybody when asked to do so, nor will I suggest such a course. Similarly I will not give to a woman Plan B to cause abortion for such has been declared impure and likely illegal, depending on the outcome of pending litigation. But I will keep pure and holy both my life, my art and my name on Google.

I will not use the knife, not even, verily, on sufferers from stone for My Staff Privileges do not allow such, but I will instead place consult orders requesting the Aid and the Second of Opinion from such as are craftsmen therein.

Into whatsoever houses I enter, I will enter to uphold the highest principles of HIPAA, and I will abstain from all posting on social media, no matter how many likes I might receive from sharing a particularly gory photo of a body of man or woman, bond or free. And whatsoever I shall see, hear or take videos of in the course of my profession, as well as outside my profession when having intercourse with men, women, or both, if it be what should not be published abroad, I will never post these on YouTube, holding such things to be holy secrets, no mater how entertaining the latest video from the Emergency Department might be.

Now if I carry out this oath, and break it not, may I gain Twitter followers forever more, be known among all men for my 5-star reviews on Yelp and be liked on Facebook. But if I break it and forswear myself, may the opposite befall me.

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