Excitement of Black Hole Image Tempered by Concerns Over Galactic Coronary Artery Disease

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Last month the first images of a black hole were released to the public. Early excitement was quickly tempered by concerns from a group of cardiologists. “While this signifies an enormous achievement in human history, we are gravely concerned about the black hole’s health status. Cardiovascular diseases are the number one cause of death in humans and it would be arrogant to assume that this would not pertain to any other entity within our universe including black holes.”

Per their assessment, the TC-99m SPECT clearly shows severe LAD disease, potentially even left main disease. “It’s hard to say, we only have the short-axis views. Vertical and horizontal long-axis views would be helpful, but we have to assume the worst.” Given the black hole’s voracious appetite, one has to assume significantly elevated LDL levels adding to the already unfavorable cardiovascular risk.

Cardiac interventionists have already made the strong recommendation that the black hole’s possible cardiac tissue appears viable and nothing but a cardiac cath with PCI would be appropriate in this situation. When asked about their approach to cathing the black hole, the interventionist said; “well, we can start with access via a wormhole in the right groin – although admittedly that’ll be challenging to identify given the elliptical shape of the patient. We’ll need a lot of dye, and I mean – A LOT – and then we’ll probably do some IVUS, a little FFR and I would probably choose a 9 quintillion mm third-generation drug-eluting stent.” This assessment did not remain unchallenged for long.

“This is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. Clearly, this signifies stable coronary disease and a trial of optimal medical therapy is indicated before thinking about putting in stents.” one non-interventinoal cardiologist citing the ORBITA trial results while shaking his head. An interventionalist

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