Landmark Study: Fortnite Superior to Dilaudid in Teenage Males

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POUGHKEEPSIE, NY – A groundbreaking new study conducted by CHOP (Children’s Hospital of Poughkeepsie) found that teenage males preferred access to the popular video game “Fortnite” over opioid analgesics for the management of acute pain. The randomized controlled trial compared two
populations of teenage boys with moderate to severe pain relating to acute appendicitis. The treatment group received at least 15 minutes of access to the online game, while the control population received standard pain management with opioids and supportive care.

Astoundingly, the researchers noted that all the boys in the treatment arm reported not only rapid and complete resolution of perceived pain, but significant reductions in perception of symptoms such as nausea, vomiting, and GI discomfort for the duration of access to the game.

By comparison, the control group reported significant but non-complete resolution of pain and discomfort relating to their appendicitis.
Not everyone was pleased with this development, local mother Tara Kemp was visibly agitated when she realized her son Braxtynn would be receiving therapeutic doses of Fortnite during his hospital course. “I can barely get him off the game as it is! Now you’re telling me you guys are
gonna let him play the game in the hospital?”

The manufacturer of Fortnite, Epic Games, has made several assurances that the game has limited addictive potential when compared to current opioid analgesics. The company also claimed the the free-to-play nature of the game combined with its demonstrated efficacy will make it the new standard of care for pain management in males aged 7-17 over the coming
decade.

The company dismissed early claims that withdrawal of the game led not only to significantly worsened self-reported pain scores when compared to pre-treatment, but severe game-seeking behavior lasting several weeks in nearly all the study participants. Several local emergency departments have reported an increase in requests for Fortnite prescriptions from young males. The Gomerblog team will update this article as the situation develops.

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  • Dr. Emo Globin

    A Medical Student from NYC that listens to bad music and writes mediocre satire to avoid studying medicine.

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