common cold

“Study: Antibiotics improve satisfaction scores among patients with viral illnesses”

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NORWALK, OH – A 10-year, multisite study was published Monday in the Journal of Urgent Care Medicine (JUCM) that may change the way infectious diseases are treated in the US. The study, which was funded by every major pharmaceutical company in the known universe, is the most anticipated urgent care study of the decade.

The study looked at over 500,000 interactions between urgent care physicians and patients presenting with clinical syndromes that strongly suggest a common self-limiting viral illness. Patients later diagnosed with Influenza or a bacterial infection were excluded from the study. Each qualifying patient was sent home with an IV catheter and was
instructed to self-administer either Zosyn and Vancomycin or saline (placebo).

The study showed a strong positive relationship between antibiotic prescriptions and satisfaction scores among patients with common self-limiting viral illnesses. Statistical analysis revealed increased rates of vomiting and diarrhea in the antibiotic group, but interestingly, most patients referred to this adverse effect as “cleansing.”

Dr. Kickback, a co-author of the study, is excited but not surprised at the results. “Since Vanc/Zosyn offer such great Gram negative and positive coverage, we figured they’d offer great + and – sense RNA coverage as well. As an urgent care doctor, it hurts me to constantly send patients home without a cure. With these findings, I may never have
to send someone home without curing them!”

Critics of the study point out the increased rates of right-sided infective endocarditis among the participants in the placebo group. They attribute it to outpatient IV catheters, another medical first attributed to this study. Dr. Amar Essay, the head of infectious disease at a major hospital leads the opposition to the study, stating “Antibiotic resistance is one of the most immediate risks to our entire species, and this work is a threat to our existence.”

In our interview with Dr. Kickback, he had a simple response to the criticisms of other professionals, “Doctors like Dr. Amar Essay sit in ivory towers and get to play with the big guns all day, so it’s no surprise to me that they are upset when we play with them. Besides, we’re treating viruses not bacteria, so bacterial antibiotic resistance isn’t even important here.”

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