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Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania— A local Pulm-Crit PGY4 said he will “never go back to traditional pulmonary toileting” after trying pulmonary bidet.

As he excitedly and repeatedly told his co-residents, pulmonary bidet provides better postural drainage and increased mucociliary clearance. He shared photos of this novel protocol at sign out, whispering “It’s an explosive new way to clear mucous plugs.”

Critics of the method were quick to point out that pulmonary bidet outperformed pulmonary toileting only in patients with ironic French moustaches, thick-rimmed glasses and $7 oatmilk lattes. There was no evidence of benefit in patients without an extensive knowledge of Jean-Paul Sartre and cuffed jeans.

Ob/Gyn was thrilled to hear pulmonary bidet was finally making a splash outside the women’s hospital. “We’ve been saying it for years—pulmonary bidet beats toilet every time. And please, for the love of God, stop pulmonary douching.”