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Area hospital announces plans to no longer provide complimentary room air

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The current trend of monitizing all aspects of human existence has spread into all corners of society, including health care. Insurance companies have required that physicians prove medical necessity for even the most basic of treatments. This includes the use of room air. Up until recently, Riverside hospital was resolute in its promise to provide room air free of charge. Unfortunately things have changed and now room air is considered a medical treatment to be coded and billed as such.

CEO Jen Nitro told reporters on Tuesday that Riverside, in spite of budget shortfalls and economic woes, had been providing complimentary room air to all visitors patients and staff as a way to show their commitment to excellence. This indiscriminate allocation of room air has put the hospital in financial arrears. Ms. Nitro told reporters that this is no longer financially feasible. Insurance reimbursement for room air has been next to nothing because doctors are required to fill out lengthy paperwork to establish medical necessity. In addition, the supply of room air has been dwindling as the natural manufacturers such as forests and vegetation, are being decimated by forest fires and commercial logging.

Traditionally, Riverside has relied solely on atmospheric room air to satisfy its increased demand. However, due to a recent increase in the amount of hyperventilation, they are now trucking it in from the North Pole. This hyperventilation is believed to be happening in the hospital due to anxiety regarding the increasing cost of room air.

Riverside is also mandating that staff decrease their respiratory rate to 5 inhalations and 2 exhalations per minute. The latter point was added to reduce Riverside’s carbon footprint. Staff that is found to consistently breach the preset allotments of atompspheric gas would be required to attend Yoga class to learn how to breath.

Gen Nitro told reporters “all options are on the table. We just have to find out what works best for our patients. We know that they are very attached to their room air. Some of them just can’t see themselves surviving without it. At the present time, we are forced to add a nominal charge to patients for room air. We also ask that the public not just breathe indiscriminately whenever they feel like it so that we can keep the room air fee low“

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