LEXINGTON, KY – In a surprise announcement this morning, a spokesperson for Ashland, Inc – the parent company of Valvoline Instant Oil Change (VIOC) – announced that the company is poised to offer drive-through hemodialysis in combination with its automotive offerings.
“It was really a no brainer for us,” says Stephen Saunders, “as one of the nation’s largest quick-lube services, we have decades of experience replacing fluids in a drive-through environment. Sure, we learned it on motor oil, but the process is basically the same – dirty blood out, clean blood in.”
The company claims little will change in clients’ experience. “Just hold your arm out your window and our technician staff will access your fistula while others work under your vehicle,” Saunders states.
Regulatory officials reacted hesitantly to the announcement, stating they were not fully satisfied with the safety features of the proposed program. While client satisfaction was high during beta testing, one individual suffered a sentinel event when tubing was accidentally switched and motor oil was delivered into their fistula while blood was returned to the vehicle engine.
VIOC executives remain optimistic, however, stating that they have already received assurances of support from several members of Congress due to the financial sustainability of the program. “Sure, oil and blood don’t mix,” Saunders said regarding the sentinel event, “but you know what does? Car insurance and health insurance. Splitting the dialysis bill between the two is a cost saving measure Congress won’t be able to resist.”