clown doctor

Hospital hires clowns to improve door to balloon times

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In a move that has rocked the healthcare industry, cutting edge health system Donta Care has enlisted the help of clowns in their emergency rooms and cardiac catheterization units to reduce door to balloon times.

“As the saying goes,” CEO Em Aye proudly announced in his press conference, “time is muscle. We were really struggling to meet our cardiac quality metrics. But I was at my niece’s 8-year-old birthday party, and Fluffy the Clown was creating all sorts of marvelous balloon animals- and not just the usual sword and dog. I’m talking planes, flowers, and butterflies. Suddenly I had an epiphany: Why are we spending millions of dollars keeping a cath team and a procedure suite ready to go at a minute’s notice, when Fluffy, and his side kick Jabba the Hound, will stay on site for $20 an hour? Did I mention that magic tricks and a juggling show are also included?”

In addition to surpassing every interventional cardiac quality measure, this move has sent their competitors scrambling because patient satisfaction scores have also skyrocketed since the change was made.

“I couldn’t be more pleased,” said patient Cad Aver, “I came in nauseous, sweaty and with this squeezing feeling in my heart. I got a balloon replica of the Eifel Tower, and he even made a few more for my grandkids who were with me! I still feel like there’s an elephant on my chest- but at least now I have a pink balloon elephant to go with it! I’m leaving a new man and my family is relieved that it was nothing serious.”

This innovation appears to be the gift that keeps on giving: Donta Care has also seen record drops in their hospital readmission rates. “We’re not sure what to make of it, we suspect that patients are just leaving so happy and properly diagnosed that they just don’t need to come back.”

According to a recent press-release, of the 577 high-risk chest pain patients that have been to their emergency room in the past month, only 1 has ever returned within 30 days, and that only because his grandchildren wanted different color balloons. We attempted to verify this by reaching out to the multiple patients who did not return, but unfortunately all the ones we tried to call had passed away of apparent unrelated issues.

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