Field Guide To The Exotic Birds of Labor & Delivery

The Double FOB: who has two women on the floor pregnant at the same time

The Lurker: TOLAC with a four-page birth plan who wants to labor at home

The Mystery: A patient who speaks a language for which there is no interpreter

The Threat: FOB escorted out by security

The Mule: Illicit drugs found in body cavity

The Cheating Bisexual: a patient with sperm in the vagina on microscopic rule-out rupture exam who comes in with her same-sex partner

The Guilty Party: fighting with FOB about who’s responsible for a new STI diagnosis in triage

The Mama Mia: someone in labor with two (or more) potential FOBs in the room

The Bingo: positive for 4 or more STIs

The Baby: pregnant younger than age 16

The Surprise: a patient who consents for themselves and the next day their legal guardian shows up

The Exhibitionist: caught having intercourse in hospital room

The Explorer: foreign object removed from vagina

The Nudist: refuses to wear clothes while in labor

The Paparazzi: ignores hospital “no photos of the vagina” policy

The Hotel Guest: patient leaves the floor for hours every day

The Optimist: always shows up to triage with luggage

The Overly Familiar: refers to physicians by first names despite requests not to

The Favorite: brings food for the staff

The Model: shows up for induction/c-section with false eyelashes

The Sugar Mama: gestational diabetic who shows up with large regular soda

The Misandrist: refuses to have any male staff

The Researcher: someone with an encyclopedic knowledge of preeclampsia with normal labs and blood pressures

The Scheduler: shows up on their due date in triage…because it is their due date

The Shopper: has gotten prenatal care at 2 or more hospitals

The Hippie: demands to lotus birth despite being against hospital policy

The Sword of Damocles: five or more prior c-sections and spotty prenatal care