ATLANTA, GA – As America continues to take on the COVID-19 pandemic, hospitals across the country have been struggling to maintain adequate supplies of surgical masks, isolation gowns, N-95 masks, and powered air-purifying respirators (PAPRs). Doctors, nurses, and the like have used their voices through the news, local government, and social media, desperately advocating for more supplies. The Center for Disease Control (CDC) this week announced that scarves can be used as facemasks when supplies are low, and although the effort to help was there, medical providers have fought back saying that scarves are not enough.
In light of this, the CDC has announced that the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) will be distributing inflatable tyrannosaurus rex costumes to hospitals to use as a substitute for personal protective equipment (PPE).
“The PAPR works by blowing filtered air past your face through a mask, while gloves and gowns are needed to keep contact precautions. The T-rex costumes are commercially available and essentially do all of the same things – your entire body is covered and there is positive pressure throughout. These should work just fine! Who needs PPEs anyway?” said the director of the CDC in a press conference at the Oval Office.
The first shipment of T-rexes was dispatched to New York City, where at least 100 T-rexes were seen frantically at work managing ventilators in one of the city’s busiest intensive care units.
“I mean, they’re very imperfect. I don’t need a gown at least. The air isn’t really filtered in this inflating fan, and I’ve accidentally extubated at least 7 patients with my tail, but it’s better than a [expletive] scarf!” said intensivist Dr. Stefon Konlon.
“I mean, these costumes are at least popular in pediatrics,” reported one of the emergency room nurses. “Well, I take that back a bit. It depends on the kid. Some of them are terrified of dinosaurs and start screaming immediately, so I can’t tell if they’re tachypneic from fear or from coronavirus…”
Meanwhile, shipments of standard PPEs still have not been sent.