SICKLERVILLE, NJ—Local hypochondriac, Emma Dyne, is not taking any chances with the coronavirus pandemic. For the last month, the 25-year-old healthy woman has worn a mask everywhere she’s gone: her bedroom, the kitchen, and the shower. Despite her extreme caution, she is convinced she has Covid-19 and is currently freaking out about it.
“It’s really hard for me,” said a tearful Ms. Dyne, “because I’ve read every single coronavirus article published online, so I know for a fact that every symptom I feel is most likely Covid-19. Last night, for example, was awful—I had a cough! So I urgently called my doctor and told him I caught the virus and needed to be intubated ASAP. He wouldn’t do it. Doctors just don’t understand; this virus is serious business!”
“She had a cough alright,” confirmed her doctor when asked for comment. “A cough. As in ONE cough. She coughed one time and decided to wake me up at 3am and request intubation. Don’t get me wrong, I nearly agreed to it because if she’s intubated and sedated, then she can’t call me a hundred times a day. Believe me, it was so tempting.”
Indeed, Ms. Dyne admits to calling him all the time, always worried that her latest symptom is a sign of the virus. Recent symptoms that convinced her she had Covid included: headache, bad breath, tinnitus, pruritus, jaw clicking, painful big toe, vaginal discharge, rectal prolapse, flatulence, and “my lungs hurt”. And those were just yesterday’s complaints!
Another locally well-known hypochondriac, Ira Leesik, was doing just fine until he saw a news report mention that some patients with coronavirus are asymptomatic. “That night, I barely slept at all, and then wouldn’t ya know it, I woke up in the morning and felt absolutely fine! Holy crap, I thought, feeling fine is a sign of the coronavirus! It scared the living daylights out of me.”
Mr. Leesik has since spent the last few days trying to get tested but continually getting denied. “They keep saying you need coronavirus symptoms to get tested,” said the exasperated man, “but don’t they get it? Having no symptoms is a symptom of coronavirus!”
As for Ms. Dyne, her physician finally relented and let her get tested. Today, she received the good news: she’s negative for coronavirus. Initially overjoyed, her sense of relief soon faded. “Oh God!” she cried. “If that cough wasn’t from coronavirus, then I must have lung cancer.”