Are you feeling a constant itch in the back of your throat? Do you have a headache after binge watching TV or playing 3 hours straight of Call of Duty? Are your joints stiff from missing your yoga class? Well, you are not alone. A new para pandemic syndrome has emerged and is taking the country by storm.
Pain doctors and primary care physicians are very familiar with the lesser version of this syndrome, simply known as the “bro”, which, back in the pre epidemic days, was mostly found in single forty-year-old females on disability living at home with more than 3 cats.
This new syndrome has been labeled by experts as Hypochondriasis Fibromyalgica given the overlap of symptoms associated with these entities. The cause? Most likely the absurd newly imposed stay at home to stay alive policy.
The symptoms are usually fatigue despite having slept 9 hours straight, no fever despite multiple daily measurements, a sudden desire to exercise in a gym followed by long periods of inactivity given that doing push ups or squats are too much work and may worsen your fatigue, whole body achiness, a constant worry that the sky is going to fall over your head, inexplicable runny nose during pollination season, unexpected weight gain, and finally, as mentioned above, post Netflix binge watching headache.
There is no specific blood test or pharyngeal swab that might yield the diagnosis, but people afflicted by this condition will feel compelled to contact their PCPs to request to be tested for Covid-19 after going to the grocery store following having too many drinks the night before and to be prescribed hydroxychloroquine because they read on Twitter that the latter has magical properties.
Although there is no treatment in sight, many amateur scientists are working hard finding the cure for this horrendous malaise and gigantic strides are being made, especially by Florida scholars who have hypothesized that going to the beach after the hair salon might be the best cure
