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It was a gruesome scene in the medical resident workroom at Boston Health Alliance today. Amidst the grueling work hours, exploding COVID census, and endless emails, the inpatient medicine team took a devastating hit when several residents suffered nervous breakdowns.

The culprit? Incessant demands for health care workers to maintain wellness.

“I can’t!” intern Joe McDonell was heard gibbering as several co-residents physically restrained him and transferred him to an isolation room. “I can’t do yoga in a Tyvek, I don’t have time to make a chia seed smoothie, I’ve been wearing the same pair of underwear the entire week, just make it stop!”

Things quieted down somewhat with the help of some Vitamin H, before another scream was heard in the workroom. Weary residents jogged back to find junior resident Katherine Lee smashing a keyboard against a monitor. “IT’S. ANOTHER. EMAIL. ABOUT. MINDFULNESS,” she sputtered, before dissolving into convulsions with the occasional grunt about meditation at 5 AM. Needless to say, several more boluses of vitamin H were required to bridge the team until shift change.

“Nothing like a little time out,” chuckled medicine chair Dr. Jardine when interviewed about the debacle over Zoom. “It’s a great educational opportunity for the residents and I’m sure they’ll come out of this as better physicians.”

When queried about whether Boston Health Alliance would consider hazard pay for its residents, Dr. Jardine muttered something about the internet connection being spotty and covered the webcam with his hand. He could not be reached for further comment.