SEATTLE, WA – Dr. Samuel Sheepman, a general practitioner at Wortley Medical Clinic, has created a new frequent flyer rewards program for chronic illness patients.

“For example, say we have a patient with fibromyalgia. For their first visit, I’ll have a medical student or resident educate the patient on the reward card system: two clinic visits within a month-long period is a 30-point bonus with FastPass Rheumatology Referral”.

Dr. Sheepman notes that this program is versatile and easily modified for a multitude of chronic ailments. “A diagnosis of irritable bowel syndrome immediately qualifies patients for our Discover Gastroenterology Reward Card, with an 18-month time window of unlimited colonoscopy referrals. Any variant of chronic pain gets the Anaesthesiology-Psychiatry United Explorer Reward Card with a bonus direct-from-clinic hospital admission…the possibilities are truly endless.”

Since adopting this new system, the nearby Alliance Atrium Hospital has seen a 79% increase in specialist consultations. However, Dr. Sheepman states his work on the program is far from over.

“My next goal is to bring our surgical colleagues into the fold to enhance continuity of care. I’m currently in talks with the medical director at Alliance Atrium to implement a Back Pain ExtraCare Optimum Program. We’re still ironing out the details, but essentially each patient that presents to our clinic with back pain will be entitled to a free direct inpatient admission to orthopaedic surgery.”

When reached for comment, Alliance Atrium’s director of orthopaedic surgery, Dr. Mason Steele, stated “if this idiot gets approval for this bullshit I will literally go to his clinic and burn it down”, before promptly disconnecting the call.