WASHINGTON, DC – A press release today from the American College of Surgeons stated, “After years of putting up with the satanic nonsense known as evidence-based medicine, the surgeons of the world are in revolt. Our new textbook, to be released next week, urges surgeons to rely on the one true path of medical knowledge, Because I Said So, or BISS, based medicine.”
When asked for a comment, Dr. Cannon, eminent surgeon, veteran of many many surgeries, and president of the American College of Surgeons, stabbed his scalpel through a copy of the New England Journal of Medicine and then, cackling replied, “Studies? Studies? I don’t need no stinking studies, I have genuine true to god-fearing experience to guide me. I’ve been doing this for 30 years. Ask me how many Whipples I’ve done. Go ahead ask. Ask!”
An aid quickly ran up to wipe the foam from Dr. Cannon’s mouth and lead him away before the interview could be completed.
A spokesperson for the college provided an advance copy of the book.
Page 306 instructs that all post-abdominal surgery patients should be fully paralyzed until their surgical wounds are healed. The cited evidence is that Dr. Cannon had a patient in the ICU who didn’t get adequately paralyzed 20 years ago and she eviscerated.
Page 214 states that all post-op patients must be NPO until they have flatus accompanied by at least one squirt of stool on the hospital provided underpants or diaper. The stated reason, “If it worked 30 years ago it’s darn well good enough to work today.”
Page 409 states that post-op hypotension is the fault of the anesthesiologist and/or the intensivist and that it must be fixed without the administration of fluids or pressors. The stated reason: “Duh.”
And finally, page 562 states that all surgical patients shall have 21 days of broad-spectrum antibiotics. The stated reason: “Don’t want germs gettin’ in my patient.”
The textbook will be available in hard copy, in a Kindle version, and as an audiobook read by Dr. Cannon himself. The first ten purchasers will receive a used scalpel and a gallbladder removed by Dr. Cannon with his bare hands.
