BOCA RATON, FL – Hospital administrators at Madre De Díos Medical Center will now offer seasonal pumpkin-spiced patient satisfaction surveys in order to improve survey response rates. “We are so excited to give a seasonal flavor to our patient satisfaction surveys,” announced hospital spokeswoman Chlöe Less. “We noticed that around this time of year, everyone seems to go bananas over anything that is pumpkin-spiced. These satisfaction surveys are sure to be a hit!”
Hospital administrators, including CEO Chaz Moneybags, had been disappointed by the 93% response rate on satisfaction surveys, so the brain trust conjured up the concept of giving surveys a spiced pumpkin taste. Chlöe Less added: “The way we look at it, the more survey responses we receive give us more opportunities to blame our nurses and doctors for any shortcomings in our score analysis.”
“Besides,” added Ms Chlöe Less, “our arbitrary satisfaction score benchmarks serve as justification for cutting everyone’s pay! These are truly exciting times in the healthcare field!”
When contacted by Gomerblog for comment, staff hospitalist Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram glumly offered his take: “Listen, I thought things were bad enough already, but I just got a memo from hospital administration that we are ‘encouraged’ to dress in an autumn-theme scarecrow costume when we deliver the pumpkin-spiced satisfaction surveys to patients; otherwise, if we don’t, then they’ll slash our paycheck. Again.”
