Citing increased patient demand for high-tech solutions to problems that don’t exist, C.L. Uless, CEO of OB/GYN Kenobi Inc. has introduced the first robotic midwife. Known as Womb-bot, OB/GYN Kenobi Inc. seeks to revolutionize the way obstetric care is delivered.
Mr. Uless says, “One area of medicine that has been frustratingly devoid of unneeded technological advancements has been the Labor and Delivery Unit. We are out to change that. We know from the implementation of the Davinci Robotic System in gynecologic surgery that patients are mesmerized by technology even though it is without proven benefit.
We saw that patients enthusiastically accepted a procedure that was more expensive, unnecessary, and did not improve their outcome. We looked at the whole arrangement six ways from Sunday and near as we could tell the only apparent benefit was to the shareholders. And believe me they were delighted. It is all head scratching to be sure but who are we to question the will of the people.
This was a business model we could get behind. With the Womb-bot we seek to capture this same unquestioned allegiance to unproven technology. Our mission is to bring a high tech answer to a low tech question that hasn’t even been asked.”
Predictably, in order for people to believe that the buck naked emperor really does have clothes, the Womb-bot is touted to have many advantages over its warm-blooded counterpart. Mr. Uless further explained, “Now for thousands of years, babies have made the journey through the birth canal into the waiting arms of what traditionally has been another human. But a human obstetrician or midwife is just so yesterday’s papers. The new millennium demands a different approach. Mother meet motherboard. That’s the Womb-bot!
The Womb-bot is an obstetric adaption of current robotic technology. Although the prototype has not yet been implemented in a real world setting, Mr. Uless explains how he envisions it will work. “At the time of delivery, the Womb-bot, with its six extender arms, is rolled into position at the foot of the bed. Womb-bot has already been programmed per the pre-completed patient profile card to understand the mother’s needs far more completely than any two-armed human attendant. The profile card will summarize those important patient requests like the desired new age music that will fill the air, the scent of the natural oil that is sprayed on the perineum at delivery and the perfect background for babies first selfie.
“Our intent is to meld Mother Nature’s poorly engineered and inconvenient requirement that the fetus must traverse the vagina to the outside world with an immersion of the mother in an environment that exceeds her wildest technologic dreams. Imagine your child delivered into the waiting half-dozen mechanical arms of your robotic birth attendant while engulfed in an olfactory perineal bouquet of cinnamon and lavender and serenaded by Enya. It’s an orgiastic, sensorial techno explosion! Think of it as a shinier and less grumpy version of your own obstetrician.” Stay tuned.
