ST. PAUL, MN – Dr. Dave Krieger was running late last Tuesday when, in retrospect, he made a terrible mistake: he decided to dictate his patient’s history and physical (H&P) at home. Here is the infamous dictation excerpt now obtained by GomerBlog detectives:
“Doctor David Kreiger dictating for patient Silver Silverstein, history & physical. Patient is a 64-year-old man admitted for a chief complaint of abdominal pain.
“History of present illness – Mr. Silverstein – Buddy sit, sit down – has been experiencing abdominal pain for – Annie get down from there, you’re going to hurt yourself, ahh – for about 3 weeks and rates it 1-2/10 with – Buddy get out of the garbage, get, get, get out of the garbage – with no radiation.
“Patient says he takes – No sweetheart, Buddy doesn’t wear lipstick, oooh he just peed all over the carpet, dammit! – takes one baby aspirin when the pain hits, which – No honey, I don’t know where the peanut butter is – helps somewhat and will bring pain from a 2 to a 1. He – Yes, I took the garbage out – says that – well, it’s all new trash then – the pain really doesn’t bother him most days – sure I’ll take it out again, give me a minute dammit – he also says he is constipated – I said in a minute – he would also like something for this – Jeff, you’ve been sleeping with him? Oh why am I not surprised! After this dictation I’m going to go give Jeff a piece –
“Physical exam normal except for known amputated right foot from diabetic complications – Running away with him? What are you talking about, ok put down the gun, take it easy honey. Annie go to your room, Mommy and Daddy need to talk. Relax, just relax, put down the…”