NEW YORK, NY – Dr. Rubenstein told reporters Friday that he struggles to auscultate Lady’s heart. Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta, also known as Lady Gaga, visits Dr. Rubenstein for her annual physicals.
A typical Lady Gaga doctor visit is usually accompanied by three to seventeen scantily clad men who act out her history with interpretive hand dancing, some have long ribbon wands. Dr. Rubenstein said, “It’s just getting harder and harder to perform a full physical exam on her. I haven’t heard a heart sound in years.”
Dr. Rubenstein was visibly concerned: “Does she have aortic stenosis? I couldn’t tell you.” Ms. Gaga, well known for her hits “Born This Way,” “Just Dance,” and “Poker Face,” must be in top physical condition due to her magnificent stage performances. Her doctor spoke about the obvious obstructions. “First it was large cylindrical cones, then giant guns that continuously tried to poke my eye out, and just last week she came in and her breasts were shooting sparks! Then when you just about hear a heart sound, along comes a dancer, knocks the stethoscope out of my hands during the ‘lub dub’ dance.”
When reached for comment, Lady only responded, “I was born this way.” The nurses and the desk clerk were very happy at first to have a celebrity in their office. Now they get annoyed by the dancers on the check-in counter, someone turning the lights on and off repeatedly to give a strobe effect, and the unexplained fog that rolls in illuminated by lasers. Dr. Rubenstein expressed concern about her future eye exams, “Really fundoscopic exams are pointless on a 27-year-old but someday this may also be a huge issue.”