Controlled Substance Just Wants to Be Treated Like Other Substances

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Separate and not equal
Separate and not equal

PHARMACY, USA – “You know, I’m just like everyone else. I just want to be in the same classes, have the same schedule,” lamented methadone, a schedule two (CII) controlled substance student, who recently petitioned the Drug Enforcement Agency’s (DEA) scheduled controlled drug list.  “I just feel so limited – like I’m not reaching my full drug potential.  I wish the DEA would just give me a chance.”

As the minority in pupil size, methadone faced a lot of opposition from other classes.  “Methadone is full of crap,” noted one anonymous schedule three (CIII) student.  “He wants to withdraw completely, so he’s putting on a scene.”

Drugs in the same class have had mixed responses and mixed episodes to methadone’s action.  Fellow CII student Adderall was the first in the fight with methadone.

WE COULD GET A LOT ACCOMPLISHED IN THE SAME CLASS.  WE HAVE SO MANY OF THE SAME MILLION IDEAS.  LET’S GO ON A 36-HOUR HUNGER STRIKE.  OR MOP SOME FLOORS,” Adderall screamed rapidly, before presenting with sudden somnolence and crashing on the hallway bench.

CII student Vyvanse had a more even stance: “I mean… Adderall’s my cousin, so I see where he’s coming from, but I’m generally a pro-drug, so I’ll support whatever cause I can.  I wouldn’t mind traveling to different states.”

A schedule one (CI) student LSD, dialing in from a different state entirely, answered the call vaguely.  “We totally get it.  I know first-hand how they play you: they tell you you’re number one, but the iguanas just keeping climbing down the walls, and suddenly you’re a flatscreen in the woods talking to Emerson, with no cubbyhole to help you out of the Snuggie.”

“If he gets to go out for lunch, I wanna go out for lunch.  Alcohol and tobacco get to travel the country, but I’m stuck here,” said schedule four (CIV) student Ambien, while convincing another classmate to drive to a nearby McDonald’s to order meals #1, #3, #6, and #7, in someone else’s car at 3 a.m.  Other CIV classmates were either in testing or refused to comment.

“I’m just going through a phase right now,” drug X replied, “I could go either way on this issue.”

“We need different papers wherever we go.  We’re living like refugees; I can’t take the abuse,” methadone continued.

“I don’t get why this is such a big deal,” a schedule five (CV) student countered, desperately clinging to relevancy.  “No one wants to be labeled, but that’s just the way things are.”

“You know, I just don’t have a lot of faith right now,” Adderall uncontrollably sobbed.  “I’m not sure we can keep going,” he said in definitive self-reference.

CI heroin noted that he didn’t lean in any direction in particular, unless you have 20 dollars he could borrow.  Upon learning heroin’s position, methadone emoted, “Well, that’s dad for you!  You can only depend on him to disappoint you!”

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