doctor in er
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WASHINGTON, DC – In a brilliant collaboration by the Drug Enforcement Agency (DEA) and nearly every medical professional organization in the United States, health care practitioners will now have the option to obtain either a standard DEA license or a modified DEA license in which they are able to write prescriptions for controlled substances except Dilaudid (hydromorphone).

doctor in erThis is a dream come true,” explained a relieved emergency medicine physician Jonathan Breathe-Easier.  “Now when patients demand Dilaudid, I can just say, ‘Too bad, I’m not licensed to prescribe it.  In fact, no one is.’  I love it!”

The DEA has enforced the Controlled Substances Act since 1970, but over the past several years has realized the battle against narcotics is a losing one despite numerous innovations: pain detectors, revised pain scales, cell phones, methadrone delivery, Dilaudid Nazis, the Surviving BS Campaign, and North Korea hacks to inactivate Pyxis access.

The modified DEA license gives health care practitioners a much needed out.  “A get the hell out, to be more precise,” commented ecstatic nurse Cy O’Relief.  “No one here in this hospital can prescribe Dilaudid.  Goodbye!”

“It wasn’t fair to burden our medical personnel with access to narcotics when they were desperately trying to not give them to drug seekers,” said DEA spokesperson Marc Law.  “That’s like telling a child, ‘No candy!’ when they can see the candy jar on the table.”

The Department of Justice (DOJ), who oversees the DEA, have said their website has been overwhelmed with a record amount of traffic, undoubtedly hundreds of thousands of health care practitioners eager to obtain the modified DEA license so they can practice medicine without worrying about dispensing Dilaudid ever, ever again.

“I can’t believe it!” exclaimed a hysterical hospitalist Erica Jubilee.  “I never thought I would live to see this day.  It’s a miracle!”

The DEA number typically consists of two letters and six numbers; the modified DEA license starts with the letters HN, which stand for Hell No.

According to sources close to and a little to the left of GomerBlog, drug seekers are signing out against medical advice (AMA) in record numbers, with hospital capacities across the nation dropping from “100% overwhelmed and burned out” to “Wow, I love being in healthcare again!”  Pseudoseizure admission rates and noise-catching emesis bucket utilization rates have both dropped to nearly 0%.  “That’s checkmate,” admitted one frequent flyer.  “Game, set, and match.”

However, Law says the war on narcotics isn’t won just yet.  He still has a few more tricks up his sneaky little sleeve.

“Next: modified DEA licenses where prescribers can’t write for any narcotics at all,” added Law.  “Then last but not least: a joint operation by our Navy SEALS and Army Green Berets to take out all narcotic stockpiles in this country.  That’s when it’ll truly be checkmate.”

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  • Kaylyn Marcuson Sebert

    That depends, are you going to refuse it, but then call me in every 10 minutes to complain about being in so much pain? Lol

  • Eric Statz

    @bstatz

  • Kelly McCarn

    I’ve never had Dilaudid. And am likely to refuse any pain meds. Am I a difficult patient?

  • Nataliya Babich

    Coming from a community hospital where 2 mg of dilaudid is a standard dose for people complaining of a heart burn, I had complete cultural shock when I learned that patients get 0.4 mg dilaudid on the first day post CABG and Tylenol PRN ever after.

  • Kelly Healy

    Rhetorical. YES!

  • Tatiana Jacobson

    Haha! A hysterical hospitalist Erica Jubilee..:) I can see that

  • Rachel Clements

    Saying “no” is not enough.

  • Rachel Clements

    Lauren Kazlo, you don’t. You should get relief instead.

  • Marcy Palino

    Dilaudid worked for 30 min then pain came back, but with all the side effects still intact. Adding Toradol to it? Awesome! (Diverticulitis sucks.)

  • Marilyn Smith

    Yeah. But job opportunities would be limited for a dilaudid free zone. And then, there are all those student loans.

  • Boris Mekinulov

    Where do I sign up?

  • Samuel Angelique Mcguire

    Since when did patients dictate what providers prescribe in the first place? Sorry, even if I can give you dilaidid, it’s not indicated for a hangnail. Oh, your tooth hurts? How about we remove that tooth before giving you narcotics?

  • Lauren Kazlo

    Nope. I’m a chronic pain pt with a mass on my spine, and it took the edge off but not as much as you’d think with the # of people craving it. I definitely don’t feel a buzz or anything. I think if you’re in true pain you don’t get a high off any narcotics.

  • Patrick Grizzly Campbell

    Um, when you renew your DEA license…you can modify the classes and only request certain classes. Technically this is not satire….rather, completely true. :-)

  • Deborah Dean

    Don’t you wish!

  • Barbara Gamboni

    I don’t prescribe it already. If the patient is in that much pain, they need to be in the hospital or seeing pain management.

  • Sylvia Gladstone Castro

    Jamie Maple Hilbert

  • Molly Tonder

    Tamara Coulter

  • Bridget Thomas

    That’s what helped me, too.

  • Melissa Saxton

    Had it once after surgery. Hated it felt high weird dizzy. Why people like this drug is beyond me. Bring on the toradol!!

  • Melissa Saxton

    Lmao!!!

  • Gretchen Browne

    This would make Fridays so much more bearable ….. why oh why must this be satire !?

  • Mary Turner

    Hysterical!! Just two letters before your DEA number would be a game changer: HN = hell no!! Awesome!!

  • Bridget Thomas

    Am I the only patient who felt dilaudid did nothing for me?

  • Lorelei Armstrong

    There goes your patient satisfaction rating.

  • Bill Clark

    That would totally tank my press gainey batting average

  • Jennifer Lovik

    lol !

  • Scott Greenberg

    yeah but there’s such a high incidence of allergies to tylenol, tramadol, oxycodone, hydrocodone, nsaids, and morphine. nobody is ever allergic to dilaudid!

  • William Fox

    “Sorry, but all opiates are outside my usual scope of practice.”

  • Sarah Calhoun

    What would happen if I didn’t pay the $700 and didn’t renew my DEA license?

  • Jill Peterson

    Lol

  • Heather Michelle Nugent

    But Dilaudid is the only thing that stops my pseudo seizures.

  • Beth Quill

    Barbara Gamboni

  • Dianne Gerrity

    I would apply for that one were it available :-).

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