Titanium to replace silicone in catheters of the future
Titanium to replace silicone in catheters of the future

SPANISH FORT, AL – South Hospital has taken a brave step to become latex free by 2016.  The board voted to replace the soft, elastic, flexible urinary foley catheters with a latex-free alternative.

“I was worried by this initiative,” says staff nurse Rebecca Jacobs.  “The new Foley catheters seem to be made out the same material they make planes out of, so I’m not sure if our patients will welcome the change.”

Of course, patient comfort during this awkward and invasive procedure also depends on staff eagerness and creepiness, so nursing administration drafted new policies to ensure nurses display a cheerful but professional attitude while inserting the new and presumably more uncomfortable catheters.

A thoughtful demeanor coupled with empathetic phrases such as “This is going to hurt me more than it will hurt you” and “Why don’t we use a little more lubricant?” are recommended.  Distracting conversation about the hallucinogenic properties of hospital curtain patterns may also prove useful during Foley catheter insertion.

To Nurse Rebecca’s surprise, the patients haven’t been complaining about the change.  During the interview, an unidentified patient shambled up to our heroic reporter and offered his story: “I was supposed to go home yesterday, but I’m refusing to have my Foley catheter removed.  When I retired as a urologist I felt bad for all the patients I catheterized, but this new material feels like a urethral massage!”

“Plus, I was tired of emptying my plastic urinal into the nightstand drawer when it got too full and no one would answer my call light.”

Our reporter has requested reassignment, but rumors continue to swirl that patients at South Hospital are staging protests against Foley catheter removal.  Coincidentally, that same reporter has been admitted to South Hospital claiming to be “unable to empty my bladder.”