BOULDER, CO – Patients, nurses, and urologists at Boulder Medical Center are starting to lose patience with intern Willie Johnson, who despite being incredibly nice and very bright, just always seems to be tripping over patients’ Foley catheters.
“He’s actually one of the most respectful and intelligent interns I’ve ever met,” said supervising internal medicine attending Maria Reynolds, who thanks to Johnson is a master of operating Murphy drips. “But every time he makes his way around the bed, you just cringe because you know something’s bad about to happen.” (Moments later in the far off distance, a patient screams, “AY AY AYYYYY!!!!!!”) “Looks like we have another consult for urology,” Reynolds added, followed by a long, defeated sigh. “I’ve never seen so many grown men cry.”
“It’s always great to have business,” commented Jackson Phillips of Boulder Urology Group (BUG). “But this is ridiculous. This is the twentieth consult for traumatic hematuria this week alone. Any more and we might have to ban the kid from bedside!”
According to nursing staff, Johnson has “great bedside manner,” really “connects with patients,” and “warms their hearts.” Unfortunately, he always “disconnects their Foleys” with his “clumsy-ass lead feet” and leaves each room “spattered with blood.”
“When a room reminds you of a horror movie, you know Johnson’s been by,” said environmental services employee Alexander McDonough, who has ruined at least ten perfectly good mops cleaning up Johnson’s messes. “He’s a great kid, but has gotta stop with the Foley tripping and bleeding penises.”
Johnson’s worst incident occurred last month in the medical intensive care unit (MICU). He tripped over a patient’s Foley, pulled out that same patient’s rectal tube as he tried to regain his balance, and then managed to dislodge a central line and disconnect the ventilator as he fell to the ground. Though the room was initially covered in urine, blood, secretions, tears, and disbelief, everything was promptly replaced and reconnected and, thankfully, the patient recovered without complications.
“WE HAVE ANOTHER BLEEDER!” screamed charge nurse Marianne Walters from a patient’s room down the hall. “This one’s a DOOZY!!”
“I’M SO SORRY!” apologized Johnson, his white coat covered in blood stains of different sizes, some dried and some fresh. “What is WRONG with me??!!”
Rumors are circulating that Johnson might be sent home in order to save all current and future penises from further intern-induced hematuria. GomerBlog will continue to follow the story very closely with goggles on for good measure.